i've spent the last few days thinking.
many things have been thought about but nothing in particular.
i've laid in my bed night after night just thinking.
thinking about what i'm going to do in 2 years when i'll be out on my own, what i'm going to do to somehow come up with a way to actually be able to pick what i do as a living (not fucking sucking in school again), and if i'll even be able to survive on my own.
but most of all i've been thinking of the stupid things: what am i going to do tomorrow, what will i come up with for dinner, how the hell am i going to survive in california with my grandma let alone survive the damn wedding.
i hate thinking about the future (aka more than a month ahead) just because honestly it's never helped me.
i've spent so much time already wondering what i'm going to do and how i'm going to do it that i haven't spent time really living.
i also thought about how much i've fucked up in the past.
yeah they say forget the past but for me it's hard to do.
if i would have stayed on track i would be able to graduate early (now i have to worry about graduating on time), if i would have wanted to stop and see my grandpa instead of going to see my friends i would have been able to say goodbye, if i would have done what i said i was going to do and got my grades up and started doing the work then people wouldn't look a my as a complete fuck up when really i'm nothing close to it.
we all make mistakes and people tell us to get over them but why?
yes we may get over them but will other people?
i know i got over the fact that yes i did mess up (a lot) in my freshman year but the teachers and my family didn't get over it which just made go right back to worrying about it again.
i mean honestly how can we tell people to get over their mistakes when we won't get over their mistakes?
doesn't make much sense to me but i doubt this makes much sense to anyone but me.
i just don't know anymore.
i've decided to say fuck it.
fuck it to everyone and everything.
no one truly helps me all anyone does is make things worse.
i'm doing things for me and just forgetting what people think.
none of that made sense and if anyone actually read my long rant about nothing but random shit then i'm sorry.

end rant.

Current Music: Panic! at the Disco